GCD Short - Gentle Parenting is Not A Path to Success

I have been witnessing and observing the methods and results of a style of parenting that is referred to as "gentle parenting". According to a summary of an article by Cleveland Clinic, "The goal of gentle parenting is to raise confident, independent and happy children through empathy, respect and understanding, and setting healthy boundaries. This parenting style focuses largely on age-appropriate development." This method of parenting is contrasted with traditional parenting with a "focus on punishment and reward."

I was raised traditionally. As were my siblings. We all turned out well. We are all functioning members of society with friend groups and social circles. We all avoided the teenage and young adult traps of cigarettes, drugs, alcohol and sex. And most importantly, we all loved our parents and had good relationships with them.

I think this is a fantastic outcome of a parenting system that has been around since the start of time. There are, of course, different levels of outcomes to this system that are affected by myriad outside forces and the ability of the parents who are implementing the system to do so effectively. But, by and large, civilized society has functioned reasonably well under this style of parenting.

Apparently, this is not good enough anymore. It seems that we have too many liberal educated twits with a Bachelor of Arts in psychiatry and other touchy-feely areas of study who think that we should be treating children like little adults rather than treating them like what they are; children.

My ten second summary of gentle parenting is that there is a belief that children can be reasoned with and coaxed into obedience through gentle words and actions, and that any use of punishment, especially corporal punishment, is not only unhelpful, but potentially harmful to the child. 

An immense amount of effort is put into talking to children in order to get them to understand that what they are doing is undesirable behaviour and that they should want to stop it. This type of parenting requires that the child possesses an adult level of cognitive abilities. This is simply not the case. The human brain is only considered to be fully developed around the age of 25 years old. There are a ton of adults out there that do not possess an adult level of cognitive abilities, who attain to this age by means of miraculous intervention more than any cognitive ability. To expect that level of cognitive recognition of a child is ludicrous.

As I started with, I have been watching the results of this style of parenting, the ideas of which existed long before there was a name for it. I know of a young couple whom I like quite a bit. They are intelligent and responsible, but they are raising their kids in this gentle manner. My quick summary of my observances is that their children are the most disruptive children in my circle of acquaintances. The kids are cute and sweet and loving, until they aren't, which happens often. The kids start to throw a fit and the parents will separate themselves and the child from the other adults and kids around them and have a nice, gentle, face to face talk as they attempt to reason with their child. And the result of this talk is that their child will behave...for about ten minutes, then it is rinse and repeat.

I have seen behaviour that my own young child would have received quick and decisive repercussions for, and that would have been the end of it, but these children get a talking to. Over and over and over and over again I see the results of gentle parenting, and I am not impressed.

There is also another example of older kids who have been raised in the same way. These kids are now teenagers, and while they are generally well behaved, I have seen some temper tantrums when they are not happy and they have very little personal discipline when it comes to sitting quietly for an extended period. They need constant entertainment, be it by drawing or whispering to each other or otherwise fidgeting and playing with random things. They also tend to get up and leave for some reason and then return with a snack or a drink or nothing at all when the adults in the room are able to sit through without. They simply cannot stay focused. Beautiful young people otherwise, but very little personal discipline.

I contrast this with the polar opposite and the results of that. One of my brothers in law was what I would call very strict with his kids. We used to attend church with them and observed that when his kids would fidget beyond what he felt was acceptable, he would promptly deal with it. The kids weren't moving around enough to disrupt those around them, but my brother in law was annoyed. I will say, even though I thought his expectations were a little high for such young kids, they were very well behaved in church and they all turned out to be intelligent, respectful and responsible adults who are now growing and raising their own families.

There is a Biblical basis for non-gentle parenting, and we find this in Proverbs 13:24; "He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently." The rod is commonly understood to refer to the use of corporal punishment, or spanking, and the word translated here as 'hate' refers quite specifically to an enemy. I think that this infers not that there is a dislike or hatred towards your child if you fail to discipline them properly, but rather that your actions, or rather inactions, are equivalent to the lack of concern that you might hold in regards to your enemies.

I have written specifically about the use of 'the rod' in discipline in "Spanking is Not Abuse" and I touched on the importance of asserting authority in discipline in "The Love in Discipline." If you have young children or even grandchildren and you are struggling with what loving discipline looks like, I encourage you to read those articles as well.

As Solomon states in his writing, if you withhold discipline from your child, you are acting in an unloving way towards him or her. Just as God disciplined His children, the Israelites, and continues to discipline us when we do wrong, we are called to do the same for our kids. Proverbs 3:12 says, "For the Lord corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights.", and Hebrews 12:5a -6 repeats this message, saying "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, Nor faint when you are reproved by Him; 6 For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines, And He scourges every son whom He receives." We have the example in our Heavenly Father, the only perfect example that we will ever find, and we should seek to emulate His love and discipline.

Discipline is an act of love and withholding effective discipline, though it may seem loving at the time, is a withholding of the love that we should be showing to our children. In my view, gentle parenting is withholding proper discipline from your children. Unfortunately, by the time you have realized your error, it is often too late to correct it. Use the rod, according to God's standard, and watch your children grow into the kind of adults that you are proud of and who love you for the discipline that you practised.