The Love in Discipline

 

 A large part of the purpose for this blog is to teach and encourage parents to discipline their children in love. I can teach and preach at you endlessly, but if you don't get to hear about the difference that your love and discipline can make, it is really just noise. Following is something that my wife and I just had the honour to do to step in and help someone else.

My family just hosted some visitors for part of this weekend. An old friend of my wife's, from a time when my wife didn't even know me, came for a long overdue visit; I'll call her Theresa. Theresa has had things rough in the relationship area of her life. Theresa brought her young adult daughter along on this visit; let's call her Connie. My wife has been mentoring Connie for a little while, because Connie, regardless of her youth, has also had things rough in the relationship area of her life, and she now has the responsibility of raising a little boy of her own as a consequence of those difficulties. The result of all of these scenarios is that Connie is a young woman trying to provide for and raise a little boy with little to no strong and healthy male influence in that little boy's life.

I love kids. I have had a heart for kids for my entire adult life. I have worked in youth ministries of different ages off and on since I was 19 or 20 years old. When I saw this little guy, knowing his parental situation, I just wanted to feed into him as only a man can do. But I also had to earn the trust of his mother and his grandmother, because they have both been hurt by men. So I had to take it slow and be gentle with the little tyke. We only had a short time with them though; they were here for a little less than 24 hours. I'll tell you this, you see what a little boy is missing when he doesn't have a man to feed into him, even as a toddler.

Throughout the visit, my wife was feeding into Connie, encouraging her and teaching her. I took a backseat for the first day because I hadn't seen Connie since she was a child herself and due to her past trauma with men, I felt that I had to go gently, but on the morning of the second day I got to get involved in the conversation as well. It was during the course of that morning that we had a little incident that my wife and I got to deal with.

I was otherwise indisposed at the moment of the incident, but thankfully my wife stepped up immediately to address the seriousness of the situation. The boy yelled at his mom to "Come here now!" I heard it happen, and I knew that it had to be dealt with. I also knew that it would be best coming from a man, but as I said, I was unable to act in the moment. My wife saved the moment by getting up, walking up to that child and telling him in no uncertain terms that what he did was not acceptable. She then marched him to his mother and told him to apologize to her.

It was at this point that I became available and I entered to room to add some authority to the demand for an apology. The boy was unwilling to apologize. I could see that this was not going anywhere without the male influence that this little guy so badly needs, plus I knew that his mom needed a man to demonstrate to her son that it is never acceptable to treat her the way that he had just treated her. To receive that message from a group of women just doesn't carry the same weight as getting it from a man does. So I got down so I could look him in his face, and I repeated to him that yelling at his mom is not acceptable and that I expected him to apologize to her. It took a couple of times of me demanding an apology and then he just mumbled something unintelligible. That was not acceptable, but it was obvious to me that he had received very little real correction in his life. That was about to change.

I hoped that I had demonstrated enough benevolence towards this little family unit to do what I did next without asking permission to do it. To have asked permission would have undermined the authority that I wanted to exude to this little guy. I gave him one more chance to apologize, with a warning that if he did not do so, then he and I would have to go someplace else to deal with it. I was hoping that would be enough to jolt him into action, but I guess his lack of experience with a male enforcer lessened the impact of my warning to him; he still refused. So I picked him up and carried him to another room where it was going to be just him and me. As I carried him away I heard my wife say to Theresa and to Connie that what I was doing was needed, the little guy was safe and that they should trust me with this. I can imagine that they were suddenly very concerned given their shared history.

When I had the little boy alone, I put on my sternest face and voice, and I made it clear to him that he was going to have a problem with me if he did not apologize to his mom for what he did to her, and that what he did to her was wrong and entirely unacceptable. I did not do this face to face at his level; I took a position of authority over him when I spoke. He had to understand that I was not acting as a friendly older man; I was taking authority over him. It took less than two minutes for him to get the message and he said "Sorry mommy" to me. I said "That's good, but you have to say that to your mommy." When he acknowledged that he would do it, I stood him on the floor, took his hand and lead him to stand in front of his mom. With a couple of reminders he apologized to his mom, and we instructed her to tell him that she forgave him, and then they hugged.

This boy is two and a half years old. They understand. You can't let them get away with stuff when they're young and hope to train it out of them later, you are only making your own job much, much harder.

I think after this, the young mom was worried that her boy would shy away from me after having disciplined him, but within a few minutes, he came running to me to show me something. My wife pointed out that even though I had disciplined him, he was not afraid of me, but he still wanted my attention and approval. Kids recognize love, even and especially when it is wrapped in proper discipline. Kids need discipline and they crave discipline, even when they are pre-verbal. This little guy's vocabulary is very small; even his mom has to guess at a lot of the things that he says, but he knew what was expected of him and he came to understand that he wasn't going to get away with not doing it. This incident also demonstrated a way for his mom to assert herself with her boy in such a way as to administer discipline without inflicting pain or fear on him. There was no anger or tears in this entire instance; only firmness and expectations. Theresa later thanked me for intervening on behalf of her daughter.

I also want to take one paragraph to point out that you should never teach a child that an acceptable response to an apology is "It's okay". It's not "okay"; if it was "okay" then an apology would not be necessary. The correct response to an apology is "I forgive you." That goes for children and  adults.

Men, if you are reading this, and especially in situations where you have enough of a relationship with a single mom wherein she knows that she can trust you, you need to be prepared to step in as a disciplinarian when mom may not have the strength or energy to do it for herself. Little boys need to know that there are men around who will step in to defend their mother, even from them, and also who have the strength to correct a wayward boy. When the boy is very young, he will respect you; when the boy is an adolescent he will probably lash out at you, but he will never forget what you did. Later on, he may even seek you out and apologize to you or thank you for stepping in as you did.

We live in a time where single motherhood is far too common. Men have betrayed their responsibilities, and in too many cases what we refer to as men are really just overgrown boys who didn't get the discipline that they needed when they were young. True, godly men need to step up and intervene on behalf of these moms, and if you have the time to invest in that woman's child's life, whether it is a daughter or a son, please do so. Your investment could turn the path of what could otherwise become just another wayward and disrespectful adult.

Children need men in their lives, just as much as they need a woman.

Please let me know if this was helpful for you by leaving me a message below.