GCD Short (okay, maybe not so short) - "Breaking the Will" of Your Child

 

 I want to tell you about a trick that I put to use when my children were very young. This is something that I still put to practice with any dog that I may get as a puppy, in particular, as it is a way to establish my dominance over them. This is not a fear based dominance, but it is simply asserting the understanding upon that which is in my domain that I expect obedience and recognition as the dominant force. When dealing with children, I refer to it as "breaking their will". Though that is an unfortunate moniker for it as it is not entirely accurate, it is the best way that I have come up with to refer to it.

To be very clear, when using this on children, it is not my desire to make a completely compliant person who bows to my every whim regardless of their own desires. There is a difference between being obedient and being compliant. I expect obedience from my young children when they are instructed to go to bed, clean up their toys, come with me, et cetera; what I do not want is to mold my children into people who have no ability to present their own ideas and feelings to those in authority over them, be it parents, teachers or other authority figures. There must be an understanding that our children have the right and should be able to stand up for and defend themselves when they believe that they are being abused or otherwise ill treated, even at a young age. But this has to start with their understanding that they are not the boss and do not call the shots.

This is a gentle process, but it is intense and it can be exhausting, depending on the strength of the child's will, and each child will be different. I have three children and I have done this with all three of them, and every time has been a different experience. The most challenging one left both myself and my child panting and sweating and it took something like 30 or 40 minutes to complete. I have a wonderful relationship with all three of them to this day and they all know that they can assert themselves as adults without the threat of repercussions from me, while they also respect that if I feel that I need to lay down the law, they are expected to comply. This also requires discernment on my part to know when and where that is even appropriate. It is a dance of children becoming adults that, unfortunately, it seems that many parents get wrong.

It is my opinion that this should be done by Dad, not by Mom. In the case of a single parent household where Dad is gone, then Mom has to be the one to do it, but in a two-parent household, Dad should be the one to assert his dominance or else the balance of authority in the house will be set off. Scripture tells us that the man is the head of the wife, who is the keeper of the household (1 Cor. 11:8-9; 1 Tim. 3:4-5; Titus 2:5). When the authority in the house is set up in this way, the children know that they are under the authority of their mother, who in turn is under the authority of her husband, their father. This is the Biblical model.

The process includes choosing the right time to do it. In fact, choosing the correct moment is paramount to the success of this process. If you decide that you want to do it early to make it easier on yourself, you may choose a point at which the child won't understand what is going on, and if you wait too long it will be much harder and it may not be successful. I have been fortunate to have acted at the right time with all of my children. I also think that there may be an aspect where this should be done in Mom's presence so the child knows that Mom and Dad are united in this. Don't underestimate the intelligence of a child or the ways in which the psyche is molded. One other key to choosing the right time is that the child needs to be wilfully acting against you in the moment. If this is done after the wilful disobedience has ceased, the moment is lost.

At the time that the child is wilfully disobeying you (either Mom or Dad), Dad will pick up the child and hold them in such a way as to be able to absolutely limit their ability to move. The child shouldn't sense any ability to even wriggle. I have found that when you place the child in your arms with the child's head in the crook of your elbow with your body pinning one arm and your forearm on the other arm, their body in your lap and your arms under their thighs with your own body pressed down on theirs, you have the most control over them. I may have actually placed my arm over their shins and then under their thighs in order to fully restrain their legs; they cannot be allowed to kick their legs - I honestly can't remember the exact form of the restraint. You will quickly figure our what works and what does not work. Adjust your hold until you have full control. Remember, you will be doing this with a child that will be fighting you, so it will not be easy, but completing this process will make the rest of the years of raising your child so much easier that you will be glad of the effort it takes to do this right.

So now you have control of your child's extremities; lock it down. Your child will fight you with everything they have; this is what you want. Your job is to not allow them to be able to move AT ALL! Let them scream and cry and fight because this is exactly what they need. Once you start, do not stop until it is finished. If they are able to work themselves loose you need to re-establish your grip and control and get them immobilized again. This is the process. Hold them tight; make sure you do not injure them or squeeze them any harder than necessary. Don't worry. They can take this. They need this! When they fight your grip, you clamp down. When they start to relax, then you can relax ever so slightly, but be ready for their next attempt to gain their freedom. That is when you will clamp down again. The process is the clamping against the fighting AND the releasing with the relaxing. If you remain clamped down even when your child relaxes then you are training them that you are domineering over them. If you relax when they relax then they figure out that they have a say in the relationship too, but the point is to teach them that you, Dad, are the boss, and that while you will protect and care for them, you expect to be respected. I would also talk to them in this process in a nice, calm, relaxed manner, especially when they were relaxing, but even as they fought. I told them that I was going to win when they were fighting me and I comforted them when they were relaxing. Always keep your tone calm; you are telling them that you are in control.

You will repeat this for as long as it takes, and that depends on the will of the child. With my oldest and youngest this did not take too long; maybe 10 to 15 minutes. My middle child was the longest and the hardest. It took at least 20 to 30 minutes until I felt that it was done. You will know when it is done. The child will relax in your arms and won't fight you any more. They may even go to sleep. At this point, even if you are hot and sweaty and feeling gross, I strongly suggest that you just hold your child in your arms while you both cool down and calm down. Once you have both physically cooled down and the child is still relaxed, then you are done. This is a journey more than a process, and you should both reach a place of comfort with each other before you put your child down. When you are done, I would also suggest that you give the child to their mother so that she is brought into this process too. It may be that by placing the child in their mother's arms after you have fought with the child shows the child that they are also subject to their mother in the same way that they are subject to you.

I suspect that there is a mountain of psychological stuff that pertains to this, but don't look for this in any parenting book - you won't find it. I suspect that the "educated" ones will not like this because it "infringes on the mental and physical safety that the child needs" or some such nonsense. This method is "patented" by me, but I'm sharing it at no cost. This method works. In fact, I currently have a dog that is approaching a year old that I used this on this past summer. He wasn't listening to me, so I wrestled him to the ground, got him between my legs and knees and I knelt over him and I placed my body and my arms over and around him, pinning him to the ground. I held him there until he quit squirming and both of us were breathing normally again. Oh, yeah, and I talked to him gently while I did it. He now listens to me so much better but he has no fear of me. He knows to come when I need to discipline him for something, but he will lie right next to me of his own volition too. He respects me and loves me and knows that I am not a threat to him. Young children are so much like animals in their basic understanding.

I have been trying to remember the ages that my children were when I did this with each of them, but I am drawing a blank on that. I'm pretty sure they were pre-verbal, but they definitely knew right from wrong. I would guess that they were somewhere between 18 and 36 months, but my memory of child development is not necessarily accurate either. I suppose an accurate stage would be to do this with a toddler. Watch your child. You will know when it is time to act. That wilful disobedience is a key feature to watch for, and they need to be strong enough to put up a real fight against you, but you need to be able to overpower them at length too. I have seen too many children around that could use this type of treatment for me not to share it. If it would become common place with parents, the world would be a better place.

If you try this, please let me know how it works for you in the comments section below. I know it has worked well for me and a few friends that I have suggested it to, but more stories of outcomes are always welcome.