The Model of a Biblical Household and Marriage - The Role of a Christian Man

 

In my previous article, I presented ways in which believers are to act towards each other in general and I pointed out that these apply to a marriage relationship as well, especially as Christian men and women should be seeking Christians with whom to build a marriage and a family. I also wrote about some foundational teachings about marriage specifically that apply to both sexes. In the next couple of articles I want to delve into the roles and responsibilities of men and women specifically, and I want to start with the men.

The reason I feel like I need to start with the men is largely due to the fact that, Biblically, men have the overarching authority in the marriage relationship, so I will start with the responsibilities of the head first. This is important because if there is not a basis of understanding of the role of the man, then it is much easier for there to be a misunderstanding regarding the role of the woman. It is important, maybe even vital, for both sexes to fulfill their role well, and since authority begins with the man, if he fails to fulfill his role well, this will inevitably affect the woman's ability and even her desire to fulfill her role well. I will always stand by the axiom that if there is a problem in the marriage or family, the husband bears the ultimate responsibility for that.

I want to re-iterate something that I laid out in my previous article; that being the order and the nature of the creation processes of man and woman. They are separate and different creation stories and this plays into how the sexes relate to each other. God created man from the dust of the ground, as a being completely separate from the other creatures, and we are told that God breathed life into man; this too is different from anything that we are told about the animals. When God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, He decided to create for him a help-mate, but God did not follow the same manner of creation for the help-mate as He did for the man. Instead, God removed a rib from the man and formed the woman around that rib as a sort of framework. The manner in which God did this caused the woman to have a slighter build than the man, which lends to his desire to protect her and her desire to be protected. Also, I believe that the nature of this process causes man to desire to draw a woman to his side to seek completeness and causes a woman to draw to a man to be near that from which she came.

Now I think that it is imperative that I dive into the language that is used in the Genesis 2 account of the creation of the woman. In this modern feminist world, there are myriad women who take offence to the notion that the woman was made to be a helper for the man. They view this as a patriarchal attack on the value of women and as a degrading view of women. This is not the case though, when we look at the language used in Genesis 2:18; "Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” The word "helper" is the Hebrew word 'ezer', which we find is the Strong's Concordance reference H5828. This word does, in fact, translate to an aid, or helper. However, the root of this word is from the word azar (H5826)[a], which means to "surround, ie. protect or aid; succour"[b]. The Cambridge Dictionary defines succour as "help given to someone, especially someone who is suffering or in need"[c]. This helper is not merely a subordinate person, but someone who is relied upon when there is a difficulty; someone who can come alongside to help carry the burden. 

The next time we see the word 'help' used in this way is in Exodus where it is used to refer to God as Moses' helper. Exodus 18:4 tells us that Moses uses this word to state that "The God of my father was my help, and delivered me from the sword of Pharaoh". This is in reference to the name of Moses' second son, which was to be a reminder to Moses and his family of what Moses had to go through, without his help-mate mind you, who was staying with her father at the time.

We next see this word 'ezer' used to call upon God in a blessing on Judah, that God would help Judah to be successful against his adversaries. The context for this is found in Deuteronomy 33:7 where Moses is blessing the tribes of Israel before his death. Then we see it again in verses 26 and 29 in the blessing upon Asher, and both times it is in reference to God. We also see the Psalmist use this word many times in reference to God coming to help in times of distress, and the root word azar (H5826) is used many times in Scriptures as well in reference to God's help. There are too many more references in which this word is used largely in talking about how God is the helper of man for anyone to relate this word 'help' to that of a subordinate or a person who is of less worth than the one who is being helped. Anyone who chooses to make such an argument is misinformed at best and dishonest at worst. This is a valuable role that the helper is filling, one that cannot be filled by just anyone. We see that God created the woman to be a valuable helper to man, to help him to carry the burdens that are placed upon him. The woman does not carry the responsibility of the weight of the burden; she is not ultimately responsible in the same way that the man is, but she is there to help the man to carry the load.

So what are the responsibilities that God placed upon the man? We see in Genesis 2:15 that he was to be the keeper of the garden, to cultivate and care for it. This was man's responsibility even before God created the woman and it carries on to this day in regards to the care of this world. It is very possible that God saw that the responsibility that He gave the man was too much for him to bear on his own, and that is why He created woman, though the Scriptures also indicate that God saw that "It is not good for the man to be alone". Taken together, it could be that God recognized that man needed someone to help him and that loneliness could have an effect on the man, so the helper had to be special in order to give company to the man. This probably dictated the manner in which God would create the woman, hence why there was no suitable helper found that had already been created. So God placed upon man a duty that was too much for him to bear, but He provided for man to be able to successfully perform his duties.

 

I want to touch on one more thing from the Old Testament before we move on to the instructions that we receive for husbands in the New Testament.  In Malachi 2:14-15 we read that God is displeased with the men of Israel and does not accept the offerings that they present to Him. The reason given is that they have "dealt treacherously" with their wives (v. 14), their companion and partner by covenant. Then in verse 15 we see that the men are also told to protect their wives, "and let no one [else] deal treacherously against the wife of your youth". And what does it mean to act treacherously? Merriam Webster defines treachery as a "violation of allegiance or of faith and confidence"[d]. This means to act in such a way as to harm or hurt someone who has placed their faith and trust in you to look out for their good. This can have many faces; marital infidelity, questionable financial dealings, criminal activity that exposes the wife to potential losses, degradation of the wife's character to others, demeaning talk about the wife, disrespecting the wife in the home, even in front of the children. Verse 15 goes on to tell us that "But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit"; a remnant of the Spirit. One does not even need to be fully baptized in the Spirit to avoid such things, even just a remnant, a small part, of the Spirit of God is enough to keep a man from acting in this way towards his wife. That should be a sobering thought. And notice that there is also the instruction to protect the wife from this kind of treatment from others. For a man to allow another person to run down his wife is also a betrayal of their covenant and an offence against God.

But let's move on to the instructions that we receive as husbands in regards to how we are to treat our wives. The Apostle Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:25-30 that husbands are to "love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her", nourishing and cherishing her. In my last article I covered what Christian love looks like according to 1 Corinthians 13, but this goes beyond that. This is a sacrificial love. The reason that Christ gave Himself up for her was so "that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless." It is Christ's responsibility to keep the church holy and blameless; does this not seem to imply that the husband is to present his wife to God in the same manner; holy and blameless? How is he to accomplish this? 

 

It is the husband's duty to be the religious leader of the house. The wife may spend more time with the children and may even teach the children more than the husband does, especially when the children are young, but the husband sets the standard for the household in regards to matters of faith, and He is ultimately responsible for his own faith as well as the faith of his wife and all of his children. He accomplishes this by reading and studying God's Word and sharing what he learns with his family. He should pray regularly and seek God's guidance in all things, and while this should largely be done in private, the family should know that he is doing this. He should also lead the family in reading the Bible and praying, if not on a regular basis, then he should do so at least for religious holidays. For example, in my family, we read the related Bible stories at Christmas and Easter and spend time together in prayer; I read the stories when my kids were younger, but I began to delegate the reading to my kids as they grew up.

 

The husband is to set the example of what a godly life looks like, and he is to make sure that it is his known expectation that the entire household should follow that example.  Besides acting honourably and in a God fearing manner, this includes encouraging personal devotional times for his family, and I think it is also important for the husband and wife to share a devotional and prayer time between the two of them. All of this represents a HUGE task and responsibility. The wife shares a duty in this, but the husband sets and maintains the standard; he bears that responsibility that comes along with the authority that God grants him. There is always responsibility that comes with authority; anyone that seeks to assert authority without bearing the incumbent responsibility is a weakling and a coward. I have no problem stating that boldly, and we have a world that is full of weaklings and cowards.

No man can be held entirely accountable for the choices of others, so there is a limit to the burden that any man has to carry for his family. There are outside forces that act on our families as well. God will take this into account when He looks at our lives, but our influence is proportional to the depth of relationship that we have with those whom we are trying to influence. If a husband or father is abusive towards or estranged from his wife or children, then he will bear the appropriate blame for that situation, but whatever blame that entails carries the added burden of the failure to lead his family according to God's standards, and it won't only be measured by the broken relationships. One of the best ways for a father to feed into his family is to spend time with them. That means that his job does not end when he leaves his workplace; in fact, I would argue that his most important job is still waiting for him at home. This is a type of work that will pay far more dividends than any workplace can offer him. But if there is not a healthy, God-oriented balance in the home, then more damage can be caused than good, so strive to be a godly father and husband and then feed that into your family.

One last ting that I want to talk about in regards to the marriage relationship is found in 1 Peter 3:7, "You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered." Man is the stronger creature, physically, mentally and emotionally. We need to keep this in mind as we interact with our wives. We should never be abusive towards her. This is not limited to physical abuse; there are all kinds of abuses that women in particular can be faced with. Since we are stronger in all manners, there is really no manner in which abuse cannot be imposed on a woman. But we need a woman's softer approaches to things as well. There are times when I am gruff with my family, and my wife has many times had to come to me privately to inform me that my manner has caused some hurt or difficulty. I need her viewpoint to come through, because a man always seems to see the "clear path" through a situation, but sometimes a situation needs to be navigated around, not bulldozed through. One thing that I need to mention regarding how a man deals with his children is found in Colossians 3:21; "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart." An exasperated child will be a disobedient child, prone to rebellion and anger. We need to treat our children with tenderness while still maintaining the strength of position to be able to administer discipline when necessary; and if done right, that need for discipline continually decreases with time. This also benefits from the softer touch of the wife, and a man's relationships with his children will often be shaped by his wife's interventions. We need to "show her honour" for her contributions to the family, not only in the physical aspects but in the emotional and spiritual aspects as well. A man becomes a more well rounded man with his wife's inputs, and I'm not only talking about our waistlines.

Besides a man's relationships in marriage and family, we are also instructed in how a man is supposed to present himself to the public. Titus 2:1-8 lays out some ideals that a Christian man should strive towards. Men are supposed to "speak the things which are fitting for sound doctrine". This is actually a specific instruction to Titus as a church leader from his mentor Paul, but it bears value as an exhortation to us all. This is not only in a church context, but even as we interact with others throughout the entire week. Further, young men are to be urged "to be sensible; 7 in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, 8 sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us." I think it is safe to say that all young men will fail at some of these things at some time, but it is a target to continue to aim for none the less. The same can be said for the targets set for older men, who are encouraged "to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance." If the older men will strive towards fulfilling this call, we will set a strong example for the younger men to follow.

I wouldn't claim that this is an exhaustive dissemination of the things that God expects of men. It is really just a summary of those teachings which are specifically aimed at men in our professional and family lives. There is so much more to learn throughout the Scriptures that we can only learn it by continually reading and studying God's Word. It will never steer us wrong and we will never plumb the full depths of its truths in the time that we have in this life. But the more that we learn about what God expects of us as godly men, the better we will be as men, as husbands and as fathers. It is a high calling that an unfortunate number of men are falling and will fall short of. But we must remember that God has placed us in authority and that authority comes with responsibilities that He expects us to fulfill to the best of our abilities.

I hope that this article helps you to be a better man for all the people that are in your sphere of influence. Please let me know if you appreciated this article by leaving a comment below.

[a] Strong's Concordance, pg. 114, Hebrew and Chaldee Dictionary of the Old Testament, copyright 1890, 1994 edition

[b] Strong's Concordance, pg. 114, Hebrew and Chaldee Dictionary of the Old Testament, copyright 1890, 1994 edition

[c] https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/succour

[d]  https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/treachery